


Love. Pain.

by Space_ninja



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Break Up, Cutting, Emotional Hurt, Established Relationship, Heartbreak, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:35:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23998384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Space_ninja/pseuds/Space_ninja
Summary: "Except now the cuts will be deeper. The thrill of love is unmatchable even by pain. Numb is harder to achieve when you've been hurt deeper than ever."
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 45





	Love. Pain.

**Author's Note:**

> Please take your time to read the tags!! 
> 
> This is really short and I have no idea where I was going with it

Pain.  
Love.  
They were braided together in Merlin's bones. He didn't know love without pain, he wasn't sure what true unfiltered love felt like. He wasn't used to people caring about him as much as he cared about them, especially when it came to lovers. Love terrified him, but he could understand pain. The thrill and adrenaline of holding a blade to his skin was a feeling he loved. Blood often appeared in small red beads, and with it his emotions seeped out. He didn't think love could do the same things. Then again he didn't love Arthur before. The thrill of loving Arthur surpassed the thrill of pain. It drowned out the negative emotions instead of turning him completely numb. The feeling was more addicting than the pain so he quit. There wasn't a purpose in hurting himself when he didn't need to. Why cut your thighs when you could have Arthur's fingers caress them? He didn't need to hurt anymore because he loved. He felt loved and happy. Then Arthur became king and he lost it all. The pressure was too much. Keeping their relationship a secret, keeping his magic a secret and being king drove Arthur to leave. He said for now but Merlin didn't have much faith in that. Plus Merlin understood the backlash that could come from Arthur courting some both younger and his subordinate. Merlin of course still clings to the promise of 'for now'. He's going to wait for Arthur as long as needed but that doesn't mean he's not going to tear himself apart in the process. He's going to spend nights crying and cutting. He's going to numb himself over once more and cut for the thrill. Except now the cuts will be deeper. The thrill of love is unmatchable even by pain. Numb is harder to achieve when you've been hurt deeper than ever.  
Love.  
Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading:)


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